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Sep 21

Last Night I Cried

Last night I cried.  That’s not a very surprising statement for anyone who is a new mom. What’s probably more surprising is that last night was the first time I have cried since coming home from the hospital over a week ago. I don’t know if it was because I was just so relieved to still BE here, or if my hormones were slightly in ‘shock’ (if that’s possible?), but whatever it was, I finally had to give in and let it all out last night. I met Tim in the hall with a box of Kleenex and told him, “I’m going to be in our room crying for awhile. I’m not mad. I’m not upset. I just need to cry.” Poor guy looked a little scared.

 

But that’s how it is after you have a baby…at least for me. Eventually the hormones come around and I am a puddle. Shortly after Naomi was born, I got an advertisement in the mail for infant formula. I cried because I felt like the world was sabotaging my attempts at breastfeeding.

 

So last night I cried for normal new-baby reasons: I’m tired, there’s too many things to do and too little time, too many kids who need my attention and not enough of me to go around.

 

But I also cried for new reasons. Since my hemorrhage, I’ve been struggling with fear. Fear that something bad will happen to me, or Tim, or Bethany. Last night I dreamed Tim was held up at gunpoint while Naomi and I watched helplessly. None of this is normal for me.

 

And I cried because Bethany is most likely our last baby. And even though I have five children, and that’s probably more than enough for most of our society…it was not what I had planned. I didn’t think this would be our last pregnancy, our last infant. I’m gaining peace with this decision, but I’m still sad that she is the last. The last baby I will carry. The last baby I will nurse. The last baby for which I will fill out one of those baby books.

 

I do not expect everyone to understand how I feel; I hardly understand how I feel these days! But I am so thankful that even when I can’t explain my feelings–there is someone who does understand me me, completely–the One who created me, the One who loves me with an everlasting lovingkindness. I don’t have to explain my feelings to Jesus. He just knows. And He is there to listen as I cry out to Him, and His Spirit is interceding for me with groanings too deep for words, and He searches and knows my heart. And what does a woman desire more than to be known and understood and loved? This is comfort. And so I am healing.

About the author

admin

I am a 30-something mother of 5 girls: Naomi, 10; Rachel, 7; Sarah Joy, 4; Joanna, 2; and Bethany Promise, born Sept. 9, 2014. My husband is a bivocational pastor of Living Hope Community Church in rural Colorado. I love being with my girls, playdates, Settlers of Catan, Rook, Inductive Bible Studies, and reading. Prior to moving to CO in 2010, I lived in Alabama my entire life, and I love Southern culture, literature, food, and Alabama football!

4 comments

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  1. Keely

    Oh my dear friend!! I will be praying for you, and i’d be MORE than happy to come help you out! Even if its to entertain kiddos so you can shower or nap or hold the baby while you spend some time with another of the girls. I have been saying good bye to small things with Nona. I am content that she is our last, i do not honestly think i can handle more than what we have and our family feels complete! But its sad thinking this is the last infant, no more diapers, sippy cups, dimpled baby hands and curls and soft sleepy sighs and cuddles. I will miss those small things, but i do look forward to the adventures ahead. Hugs my dear friend, i love you and i think you are truely amazing.

  2. admin

    I suppose that no matter how content you are with the decision to stop having more children, there’s always something to miss. I just love the infant, toddler, and preschool ages. It is sad to me to think that in another five years that phase of our lives will be over. But you’re totally right–it’s important to look forward to new adventures.

    And thank you so much for your kind words & offers 🙂 Love you too.

  3. Wendi K.

    Good message! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  4. admin

    Thanks, Wendi!

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